To selfharm, or not to selfharm…?

So…..

Hello, my name is Clarissa Emiria, and I am a selfharmer… Or self”mutilater”, as it probably more were…..

I pick at my soares… I can’t help it, and I don’t even think about it, I just do it, when I am idling… Especially when I am idling…. But also when I am nervous, f.x….. Or stressed….

I do not know what I want to say about this, on this, or with this, but here I am, trying to tap away, trying to come up with something that will make sense, something to explain….. Well…. Everything…. I want to explain everything, but I do not think I can…. I will try, Gods know I will try….

I do not cut on myself, even if I AM very infatuated with knives and scalpels…. I would never purposefully cut on myself….. But picking at scabs and soars, IS selfharm…. A form of it…. No matter if it IS on purpose or not….

I do not know what to say…. I selfharm…. Sometimes on purpose, most often not…. I may do it to distract myself, I guess? I don’t know, really….. Maybe I am not as comfortable in my own skin as I pretend to be….

I have anxcious evasive personality structure…. Panic is lurking beneath the surface at all times, is my guess….. I am pretty sure…. I don’t know, I am just tired of being told off and punished, for something that I am unaware of doing…… I don’t want to be a part of it any more….. I want to just melt away…… Disappear….. And never ever be found by anyone…… Just melt away into oblivion…. I don’t even think anyone would notice….. Maybe one would notice…..

It is painful to think, and realise, that one is very much alone in this world…… For instance, I have not opened facebook in several days, and not one has said anything about it….. I am considering deactivating my profile, again….. Probably for a longer while than last year ๐Ÿ™‚ Last year only one person noticed, and texted me….. And I don’t even talk with him all that often to begin with, so how did he notice my absence? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Okay, so this is not as lengthy as I had feared….. I didn’t really go anywhere with this post…. As I knew I wouldn’t…. I have no answers….. And no solutions…. Of course I have no solutions, I have no idea what I am actually doing… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I just wing it…. I am always winging it :-/ I just need a book of answers…. How do I know if I am doing things right? :-/ Who is going to tell me if I am doing things the right way? :-/ Does ANYone have the answers? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

How am I supposed to do this living thing right? Does anyone know? Who has the answers? :-/

I am as confused and sad as ever….. Tears are streaming down my face, and I am broken…. In so many ways…. I’ll talk more about that shortly….. In another post ๐Ÿ™‚

Be safe, my loves ๐Ÿ™‚
– Clarissa Emiria

The thing about feeling… Or “feeling”, as it probably were….

A new day, a new year….

I have not posted anything for almost a couple of months, because I had a few problems when trying to write the last post, and trying to do the whole photo-thing at the same time, and that was all me not understanding how this thing with the app (last time on my phone, this time on my tablet) and posting in general, works, because I am still very much learning ๐Ÿ™‚ I will get better, though….. I hope xD

Okay, so the thing is….. I suck…. At reading feelings, mostly my own, but also other people’s…. And when I say “reading”, I mostly mean “being able to identify and understand” said feelings…. Usually no matter which ever feelings they are….

I have known, for quite a while now, that I usually don’t “feel” anything for a couple or three days after a given situation/incident, and only just today did it dawn on me, that that is most likely the amount of time it takes for the situation and what has happened to fully sink in, for me to fully comprehend and understand (yaaaay, redundancy ๐Ÿ˜› ), what has happened, what has been said, what has taken place between that other person and myself….

I have a strong tendency to overthink things…. Turn them over, mull them over, again, and again, in my mind, trying to understand, desperate to understand what I probably never actually will understand….

It makes interaction with other people very hard…. Increasingly hard… At least for me….. Will it ever get better? I have my doubts, to be honest….

My mind/brain works better when I have a partner/someone to bounce my thoughts off on, someone who gives me feedback and who wants to, and is able to, talk the things and/or situations over with me… ๐Ÿ™‚ When I don’t have that, I get lost, lost in my thoughts, and I get more and more confused….

I don’t know what the solution is…. I don’t know if I will ever learn to navigate the seas of interaction with confidence…. I am having enough trouble as it is with the language alone xD

I am trying though, every day I am trying and, hopefully, learning and getting better…. Or, at least, not messing up as much as I could be doing xD

My “supervisor” told me something today that really made me think, and which I feel I actually believe; You are you, and that’s okay, I am me and that’s okay too…. We might not always agree on everything or even understand everything about each other, but that is also okay ๐Ÿ™‚
This might be the first pebble for me, the first step on the way to changing my opinion of myself and my worth, in comparison with other people ๐Ÿ™‚ We’ll see what happens ๐Ÿ™‚

And now, off to bed…. I am having my sleep monitored tonight, and I am very tired, it looks like…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Be fantastic my loves โค

Sleeplessness…

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Mmmmmmmm, for some reason I didn’t get to bed until, like, 4 in the morning…. Maybe it was the shivering, I don’t know… My meds have been acting up the past week/week and a half… I have to see my therapist on Monday, I think they might need a little tweaking :-/ Although, I have just recently upped the dosage of the Zeldox (Ziprasidone)/antipsychotic :-/ Maybe I am being more affected by the coming of fall and winter than I have been the past two years, I don’t know…

…. Time has passed… Four hours…. Stella came up and decided we should cuddle, and her warmth made me fall asleep ๐Ÿ™‚ Thankfully… Because two hours was waaaay too little :-/ I’ve slept some more now, and was just woken up by the postman, who had a package for me, from Canada โค Mama Law’s package finally arrived ๐Ÿ˜€ There is a tanktop in there, and two wonderful magnets, and some sort of very sweet maple candy… ๐Ÿ˜€ I am writing this from the WordPress app on my phone, and I don’t know if I can enclose pictures or not? :-/

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Be fantastic my loves… โค

Hello world!

“Welcome to WordPress.com! This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!”

 

Above is the proposed first post of a new WordPress blog…. They encourage you to edit it, make it your own… To tell people what your plans are, for this new blog that you have created…. Which is cool…. The only thing is…. I have no plan…. This was not thought out, on my part…. I have wanted, for a long time, to start a blog…. I guess, mostly for my own sake…. But also as a means of letting people into my life…. Give them a chance to peek into my head, as it were….

 

I used to write…. I’ve tried keeping a journal/diary, from time to time… But for some reason I always end up abandoning my book…. I still cling to it, though, even if I do not actually write anything in it…. I love the look, and the feel of it…. The smell of it…..

 

As I said, there is no plan to this…. I’ll make it up as I go….. And hope…..

 

Be fantastic everyone…. And welcome…. Let’s see what time will bring….

– Clarissa Emiria

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