Category Archives: Touchy Stuff

Mentally profits… And maybe an entirely new situation to consider….?

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It’s been a while, my loves…. A loooong damned while, and for that, I apologize….
When I started this adventure, into trying to capture my World, I had no plan… I would see where things took me…. I did not expect it to take me out of the World, so to speak…..

2013 was a year of very mixed experiences for me, it had it’s positives, but definitely also it’s negatives…..

When I say negatives, I do not mean many negative experiences, but a lack of, as the picture says, mentally profits…. Now, that picture was from January 2013, I checked again in April this year, and Google HAS updated the translation to “mental resources”, which, I believe, is the correct translation of mentalt overskud….. But I absolutely LOOOVE the term “mentally profits” ๐Ÿ˜€

2013 was a bad year for me, regarding mental resources…. And so, My World In Words suffered for it…. That was never the intention, or the plan….

On the other hand, 2013 DID have it’s bright spots, also…. One of them I shared with you guys already, namely Karsten, or the Danish IT Guy, as I believe his alias here on WordPress is ๐Ÿ™‚ (I’ll link to his very own attempt at a blog, down in the comments ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Last year saw the end of my relationship with my old psychiatrist, who was forced to retire by the Danish Health Organization, I guess you would call them (Sundhedsstyrelsen)…. It was a matter of principle for him, he did not believe it was anybody’s business what he talked with his patients about, regarding their health, and I can see that, I really can ๐Ÿ™‚ Now, I have been with him, on and off, since 2005…. He was my first psychiatrist, and I really liked him, an elderly gentleman, but we kinda clicked… ๐Ÿ™‚
Last fall a psychiatrist from Hobro was in the media a lot, for having misdiagnosed a lot of his former patients…. A friend of mine was among them…. The psychiatrist’s (whose name I have happily forgotten) go-to diagnosis was Paranoid Schizophrenia, and he used to drug his patients very severely, my friend among them….. I saw and heard some clips with the guy and he practically said, even though people hadn’t even shown signs of the illness, that he could “see the madness lurking beneath the surface, he could see it in their eyes…”…. Needless to say that I believe that guy is off his rocker…
I found out that my psychiatrist and that other one, were friends…. Are friends, for all I know…. That was a surprise to me, because I had never questioned my psychiatrist before….

Back in 2005, I had just moved, had gotten a new doctor too, and she had recommended my psychiatrist to me, among others, and his name had been the first one I had called, and I liked him straight off the bat….
Now, looking back, I can appreciate that maybe that wasn’t the best choice…. But I liked him, I still do, but I will admit that I am glad that I am not with him anymore…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now, I don’t want you to worry about me, anymore than what you may be doing already, I am okay ๐Ÿ™‚ I really am…. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have a new psychiatrist, since February, also a recommendation, but this time from my doctor of the past almost five years ๐Ÿ™‚ And his judgment I really trust ๐Ÿ™‚

My new psychiatrist is a woman… ๐Ÿ™‚ And I REALLY like her, she seems to be very good, and very thorough…. And she does not believe in medicating without a damned good reason, which I really appreciate ๐Ÿ™‚

And here we are, at the crux (can I use that here? :-/ ) of this post….

Now, don’t get me wrong, I had all intentions of writing you guys, I really did, I just…… I was finding it really hard…. Because I didn’t know how to go about it…. :-/ But then yesterday happened, and it left me thinking…. Quite a bit….

And, so, here we are…. ๐Ÿ™‚

So….. I had an interesting session yesterday….. Or, conversation, as it were… I went to see my psychyatrist, Edilene (I don’t think it will be a problem naming her here, it’ll be easier for me, that’s for sure…)… Karsten was with me…. And we happened upon the subject of my “little manias” that come about a few times a week, and suddenly she was all ears…. She usually IS all ears as is, but I think this surprised her, and it could prove to be a game changer……

The thing is, I get these….. Episodes? I guess you would call them episodes…. I get these episodes, where I get restless, somewhat hyper, seemingly very energetic, I talk really really fast, and very loudly, and my thoughts run wild, and I change the subject every five seconds…. I call them little manias, because I don’t know how else to describe them, or what to call them…..
They usually occur in the afternoon….. They usually come about somewhere between 11 am and 3-4 pm…. And they CAN last for a good long while…. Not days, but hours, maybe…. And they come about a couple of times a week…. I usually am not aware in the beginning myself, but it will occur to me, sometimes, after a while…. And Karsten notices right away, and he tells me, usually when I run too fast for him to follow….. And I try and see if I cannot tone it down a bit, but I usually fail…. I will try and shut up, though…. And it seems to be mostly the talking and the intense energy that he has trouble following….

Now, I get a lot of medication…. It has been more, but over the past couple of months, since April 7th, to be specific, I have decreased the dose of one of my medications…. And I seem to be doing okay ๐Ÿ™‚
The thing is, this antidepressant, of which I am now on max dosage, might be preventing me from having depressed episodes…. So I seem to swing between normal and milder mania….
The next course of action for me, when I get back from Indonesia in August, is to try and cut down the dose of the anti-psychotic I am taking…. Because I am not psychotic, and if I have Borderline Personality Disorder, then there is no reason for me to take anti-psychotics….. If, on the other hand, it turns out that my little manias get worse, or more severe, then it may turn out that I do NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder after all, but Bipolar Disorder, in some form, instead…. In which case the treatment should be different from what the plan is…..

But time will tell, I guess ๐Ÿ™‚ I AM intrigued, to say the least… ๐Ÿ™‚ But this could change everything… ๐Ÿ™‚

Edilene DID tell me this, though: EUP/Borderline and Bipolar are differential diagnoses (sp?), which means that many of the symptoms are the same, and one is often mistaken for the other, both the one way and the other way around… So, maybe….. Just maybe…. All this time, we have had me all wrong… ๐Ÿ™‚ Or, not ALL wrong, but, you know….. ๐Ÿ™‚

That was actually what I wanted to say ๐Ÿ™‚ I am sorry for the, probably fairly lengthy post, but, as you know, it’s been a while ๐Ÿ˜‰ And I really AM sorry for that….. Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn, and you just have to adjust to that new situation as best you can… ๐Ÿ™‚

2013 was both a blessing and a curse for me…. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I am here now…. I AM feeling better/more optimistic…. ๐Ÿ™‚ That has got to count for something, right? ๐Ÿ™‚

It is three in the morning…..some of the birds have woken up, and are happily singing…. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am not sure I CAN go back to sleep, but I should probably try….. If I am unsuccessful, who knows, I might try my hand at this blogging thing again ๐Ÿ˜‰

But for now, my loves, be safe…. And be fantastic! โค

~ Rizz

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To selfharm, or not to selfharm…?

So…..

Hello, my name is Clarissa Emiria, and I am a selfharmer… Or self”mutilater”, as it probably more were…..

I pick at my soares… I can’t help it, and I don’t even think about it, I just do it, when I am idling… Especially when I am idling…. But also when I am nervous, f.x….. Or stressed….

I do not know what I want to say about this, on this, or with this, but here I am, trying to tap away, trying to come up with something that will make sense, something to explain….. Well…. Everything…. I want to explain everything, but I do not think I can…. I will try, Gods know I will try….

I do not cut on myself, even if I AM very infatuated with knives and scalpels…. I would never purposefully cut on myself….. But picking at scabs and soars, IS selfharm…. A form of it…. No matter if it IS on purpose or not….

I do not know what to say…. I selfharm…. Sometimes on purpose, most often not…. I may do it to distract myself, I guess? I don’t know, really….. Maybe I am not as comfortable in my own skin as I pretend to be….

I have anxcious evasive personality structure…. Panic is lurking beneath the surface at all times, is my guess….. I am pretty sure…. I don’t know, I am just tired of being told off and punished, for something that I am unaware of doing…… I don’t want to be a part of it any more….. I want to just melt away…… Disappear….. And never ever be found by anyone…… Just melt away into oblivion…. I don’t even think anyone would notice….. Maybe one would notice…..

It is painful to think, and realise, that one is very much alone in this world…… For instance, I have not opened facebook in several days, and not one has said anything about it….. I am considering deactivating my profile, again….. Probably for a longer while than last year ๐Ÿ™‚ Last year only one person noticed, and texted me….. And I don’t even talk with him all that often to begin with, so how did he notice my absence? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Okay, so this is not as lengthy as I had feared….. I didn’t really go anywhere with this post…. As I knew I wouldn’t…. I have no answers….. And no solutions…. Of course I have no solutions, I have no idea what I am actually doing… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I just wing it…. I am always winging it :-/ I just need a book of answers…. How do I know if I am doing things right? :-/ Who is going to tell me if I am doing things the right way? :-/ Does ANYone have the answers? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

How am I supposed to do this living thing right? Does anyone know? Who has the answers? :-/

I am as confused and sad as ever….. Tears are streaming down my face, and I am broken…. In so many ways…. I’ll talk more about that shortly….. In another post ๐Ÿ™‚

Be safe, my loves ๐Ÿ™‚
– Clarissa Emiria

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