Category Archives: Ramblings

Starting over from scratch, basically…

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At Rรธdovre station in January last year… I think it captures the essence of me quite well…

I haven’t posted anything here in almost two years and I feel awful on the one hand but on the other I pretty much pulled away from the World and people in general completely in the last six months of 2014, because I just did not have the mentally profits to deal with anything or anyone, trying to recover after a hectic vacation in Indonesia in July, and keeping my monthly appointments with my psychiatrist…….

 

In November 2014 my psychiatrist referred me to a psychotherapeutic clinic in the hopes that they would offer me Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT for short), which I had tried briefly, back in 2009, and loved, but not been able to continue with and finish for several different reasons, and then I have just wanted to “go back” to that, so to speak…..

 

In the beginning of January 2015 I had two interviews with a psychologist in Nannasgade, where the clinic resides, and she kept telling me that they didn’t offer DBT there….. They only had regular group therapy where you sit in an open circle and talk, no table, no homework, no assignments…. I was getting a bit desperate and told her I didn’t care, I’d give anything a go…… Even if I do have trouble focusing if the World is too big, and in my past experience with regular open circle group therapy, I feel very uncomfortable, I don’t feel like I can just get up and leave but at the same time I very much don’t want to be there so my body “just kinda” shuts itself down….. aka I fall asleep *ducks for cover* ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

I know, that is proper bad but I can’t really help it…. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

 

In the beginning of 2015 I felt like I was beginning to get my motivation back, I wanted to make a change, feel better, be better, become better…. While I was waiting to hear back from Nannasgade I had started a kind of course, with it’s basis in Recovery, regarding “The Great Relocation” (i.e. when you move, how do you make it go as smoothly as possible, and what tools do you have at your disposal to make that transition both before and after the actual move)…

During that course I heard of the course Turning Points, which is broken into three twelve week Recovery based courses, taught by instructors with user experience (as in, they have or have had experience with mental health issues, extra or heightened sensitivity to stress, or so on, and they have been on the Turning Points courses themselves and taken the course to become an instructor, to help others help themselves), and I signed up for that, both because I wanted to do it but also because I thought that maybe it could keep me going until I heard from Nannasgade, and it turns out that Turning Points and DBT supplement each other really well ๐Ÿ˜€

 

After having been on the first two Turning Points courses, last spring and last fall, all the while having also started DBT in May in Nannasgade….. After having observed my two instructors on Turning Points……

 

For the first time in my life I have dared to dream of something for myself…… And just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes, because I am SO scared……. Scared that if I dare to hope it will never be….. Scared because dreaming of something for myself is dangerous…..Because dreaming of becoming something….. Something that I want to become, instead of what someone else wants for me…… What does that mean? What does that say about how I think of myself?

 

Sure I want things for myself all the time…. Books, nail polish, make-up stuffs, notebooks, crafting materials, mostly books…… But what I wanted to do with my life, I never really knew…. I never expected to live this long, to be honest….. ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

 

But I do dream…. Now…… I didn’t growing up….. Or maybe I did, but I dreamed about the Worlds I read about in the books I devoured, which weren’t real, sadly……

 

But I am still here, and I have tentatively started to dream a little….. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I keep stalling and stalling, I started this post the day before yesterday , in the morning, and I wrote most of it then, but right now my words have run dry and I can’t get my brain to work properly, which is really annoying…… the obsessive compulsive in me also really wants to publish this post today, because that will mark a year and nine months to the date since my last post….

 

There are just so many things that I want to say, I just can’t find the right words right now….

 

I am starting over…. In more ways than one….. Hopefully you will take this journey with me, my Loves….

 

Stay strong, and be safe…

~ Rizz

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Soooo….. I guess I can be quite girly, sometimes….

 

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Like the title says, I like to be girly sometimes… ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t really do fashion all that much, but I like it when I manage to put up my hair pretty, like in the picture, or when I do an awesome mani, like below…. Corally with an accent-type thing in pearly white, I guess? ๐Ÿ™‚

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Or this one is my latest…:

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Royal Blue with Gold Satin… These last two are from OPI and the coral one is also from OPI but the pearly white one is from La Femme Beautรฉ… ๐Ÿ™‚

 

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Corally again, Something New, from Sally Hansen’s Diamond Strength collection, and a new laquer I got from my new mobile company, who sent me a Goodiebox, as a welcome… The laquer has a really nice formula and is from So Susan, I believe it was… ๐Ÿ™‚

 

So yea, girly, girly me ๐Ÿ˜›

 

Even though I can get really impatient, I actually quite like doing my nails…. Which is the actual point of this post; I want to talk to you a bit about doing good things for yourself… ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Now, I have never been very good at doing good things for myself, but I recently decided that that is going to change, I AM going to get better at being good to myself, and not in a “buy what I want”-type way, but in a doing things that are good for me, cultivating calmness in my life…. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Cultivating calmness in my life, like doing my nails, taking my time to do them, while listening to an audiobook, probably, or while watching a series that I really love… ๐Ÿ™‚

Or by making a pot of tea for myself every day, savouring the process of making the tea, the routine… And the heat of drinking the tea… ๐Ÿ™‚

And reading…. If not every day, then I will strive to take time out to read every other day… Read paperbooks, ebooks, listen to audiobooks… ๐Ÿ™‚ I’ve always loved books, but I get overwhelmed easily, and I have struggled quite a bit with my concentration the past 10-15 years, due to my depression, I suspect… ๐Ÿ™‚ But I have rekindled my love of reading, and when I do take my time and sit down with a book, quite some time tends to fly by, which I quite enjoy too โค There are just so many things that Karsten wants to watch together with me, and I sleep quite a bit as well, so I have been neglecting my reading, unfortunately…. :-/ But I WILL get better โค I really want to read… ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I am actually thinking about branching out, into comics/graphic novels ๐Ÿ˜€ I bought some Star Wars graphic novels on Kindle, and I got a Serenity/Firefly one as well, and today I bought the Humble Dynamite Bundleย which should be good to get me started ๐Ÿ˜€ I am quite anxious to begin, to be honest ๐Ÿ™‚ Can hardly decide where to start ๐Ÿ˜€

 

I want to update my blog more often also…. Even when I don’t feel good… โค Because you deserve that… This was supposed to be My World in Words, and what good is it if I don’t include you in my entire World? ๐Ÿ™‚ I WILL be better… I AM better.. ๐Ÿ™‚ And you deserve the best, my loves… โค

 

But, too long, didn’t read: Being good to yourself is really important… It can relieve stress in so many ways… Give you those valuable timeouts throughout the day… โค

 

So, please, my loves…. Please, will you pledge to do something good for yourself, every day? ๐Ÿ™‚ It could be going for a walk… Writing a letter… Reading something.. Go get a massage… A haircut.. A manicure.. It can be anything, really… But do something that feels really, really nice, and that you enjoy immensely… ๐Ÿ™‚ And please share your experiences, ideas and what you decide to do for yourselves, in the comments…. ๐Ÿ™‚ I know I appreaciate getting a fresh perspective now and again, and maybe some of us need help coming up with ways to love ourselves a little bit… I know that last bit can be very, very difficult for some of us โค

 

Okay, my loves, it is almost five in the morning here… I best be off for now, although I do not feel sleepy yet…

 

Be safe, my loves, and live fantastically… Even if only for five minutes a day… โค

~ Clarissa Emiria..

 

So, I met this girl half a year ago…. Or “met”, I guess… Virtually met….

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A couple of weeks ago was my birthday, and this girl…. Let’s call her Jill…. Mostly because the name fits her, to my mind at least, but also because… Well, it’s her name… ๐Ÿ˜›

 

Anyways, this girl Jill, she sent me a birthday card, a really beautiful one…. Made of dots entirely, or, the flamingo is ๐Ÿ™‚ I love this card, and she is an absolutely lovely girl, and she sent it, physically to me, to my physical address, here where I live… ๐Ÿ˜€ I love that… โค AND she was really sweet and included a print of my favorite photo of her with her puppy Murphy…. ๐Ÿ˜€ I promptly put the photograph in my album of very special photos that I have been collecting in this particular album since 1997 โค

 

But I am getting ahead of myself…. Let us start at the beginning… Sorta… ๐Ÿ˜‰

 

I have a Facebook profile…. I rarely go on there anymore, I tend to forget about it, sometimes for months at a time… But, you see I am a member of a certain group there, on the Facebooks… SYSK Army… We are a group of fans of the podcast Stuff You Should Know… ๐Ÿ™‚ Wonderful people in that group, not quite normal, but that is most definitely one of the most charming characteristics…. You can be utterly yourself in this group, and that is truly wonderful, if you ask me…. I don’t think I have ever encountered that many awesome people in one place before, but I am not very wordly, so my experience is quite limited, I should think… ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Anyways, this podcast that we have all at one point listened to and fallen in love with can be found on Stuff You Should Knowย where you can find a podcast archive, and there is also a handy search bar (the “handy search bar” was coined in the earlier episodes, by one of the hosts, Josh Clark, and I have borrowed it from him), good for searching for specific episodes and blog posts and whatnot ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Anyways, around new years I was posting to the group, and Jill commented a lot, we were talking about streamers and sparklers… I love sparklers and streamers, I just didn’t know that streamers were called streamers… ๐Ÿ™‚ Jill helped me out… ๐Ÿ™‚ We just started talking a lot, became friends, and we text via Viber almost every day ๐Ÿ™‚ She and I have a lot in common, I guess you could say we have a kind of understanding when it comes to each others difficulties, and both of us are very interested in learning more about the other…. โค

 

Heh, she actually made a wordpress account, so she could comment on my blog, and follow other blogs if she fancy them ๐Ÿ™‚

Here is one of her very few posts:ย I Don’t Have A Blog – Sheep

I thought it was very clever! ๐Ÿ˜€

 

I love her dearly, I really do…. I like knowing that she’s there, kind of within reach, even though she lives in New Jersey, USA…. It is very comforting to me, knowing that she’s close by in Spirit…. Only a text away…. Or a Skype Video call…. I think that is absolutely awesome…. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I have yet to figure out what we are going to do when I am in Indonesia next month, but I think iMessage should be doable, or contact via My World in Words ๐Ÿ™‚ I am bringing my iPad Mini at least and I hope for a data package or some sort of sporadic wifi, but time will tell I guess ๐Ÿ™‚

Okay then, so this actually turned out to be a mixed post… ๐Ÿ™‚ I was meaning to post about Jill, but came around to two or three different things, even if they were only handled a little bit ๐Ÿ™‚

 

I will post a little more in a second, I think…. I have been awake for 21 hours now, and I don’t feel all that tired yet ๐Ÿ™‚ But then again, I have slept for 15 odd hours almost every day these past couple of days, so maybe I was overdue to stay awake for quite a bit ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Be absolutely fantastic my loves…!

~ Clarissa Emiria

Mentally profits… And maybe an entirely new situation to consider….?

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It’s been a while, my loves…. A loooong damned while, and for that, I apologize….
When I started this adventure, into trying to capture my World, I had no plan… I would see where things took me…. I did not expect it to take me out of the World, so to speak…..

2013 was a year of very mixed experiences for me, it had it’s positives, but definitely also it’s negatives…..

When I say negatives, I do not mean many negative experiences, but a lack of, as the picture says, mentally profits…. Now, that picture was from January 2013, I checked again in April this year, and Google HAS updated the translation to “mental resources”, which, I believe, is the correct translation of mentalt overskud….. But I absolutely LOOOVE the term “mentally profits” ๐Ÿ˜€

2013 was a bad year for me, regarding mental resources…. And so, My World In Words suffered for it…. That was never the intention, or the plan….

On the other hand, 2013 DID have it’s bright spots, also…. One of them I shared with you guys already, namely Karsten, or the Danish IT Guy, as I believe his alias here on WordPress is ๐Ÿ™‚ (I’ll link to his very own attempt at a blog, down in the comments ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Last year saw the end of my relationship with my old psychiatrist, who was forced to retire by the Danish Health Organization, I guess you would call them (Sundhedsstyrelsen)…. It was a matter of principle for him, he did not believe it was anybody’s business what he talked with his patients about, regarding their health, and I can see that, I really can ๐Ÿ™‚ Now, I have been with him, on and off, since 2005…. He was my first psychiatrist, and I really liked him, an elderly gentleman, but we kinda clicked… ๐Ÿ™‚
Last fall a psychiatrist from Hobro was in the media a lot, for having misdiagnosed a lot of his former patients…. A friend of mine was among them…. The psychiatrist’s (whose name I have happily forgotten) go-to diagnosis was Paranoid Schizophrenia, and he used to drug his patients very severely, my friend among them….. I saw and heard some clips with the guy and he practically said, even though people hadn’t even shown signs of the illness, that he could “see the madness lurking beneath the surface, he could see it in their eyes…”…. Needless to say that I believe that guy is off his rocker…
I found out that my psychiatrist and that other one, were friends…. Are friends, for all I know…. That was a surprise to me, because I had never questioned my psychiatrist before….

Back in 2005, I had just moved, had gotten a new doctor too, and she had recommended my psychiatrist to me, among others, and his name had been the first one I had called, and I liked him straight off the bat….
Now, looking back, I can appreciate that maybe that wasn’t the best choice…. But I liked him, I still do, but I will admit that I am glad that I am not with him anymore…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Now, I don’t want you to worry about me, anymore than what you may be doing already, I am okay ๐Ÿ™‚ I really am…. ๐Ÿ™‚ I have a new psychiatrist, since February, also a recommendation, but this time from my doctor of the past almost five years ๐Ÿ™‚ And his judgment I really trust ๐Ÿ™‚

My new psychiatrist is a woman… ๐Ÿ™‚ And I REALLY like her, she seems to be very good, and very thorough…. And she does not believe in medicating without a damned good reason, which I really appreciate ๐Ÿ™‚

And here we are, at the crux (can I use that here? :-/ ) of this post….

Now, don’t get me wrong, I had all intentions of writing you guys, I really did, I just…… I was finding it really hard…. Because I didn’t know how to go about it…. :-/ But then yesterday happened, and it left me thinking…. Quite a bit….

And, so, here we are…. ๐Ÿ™‚

So….. I had an interesting session yesterday….. Or, conversation, as it were… I went to see my psychyatrist, Edilene (I don’t think it will be a problem naming her here, it’ll be easier for me, that’s for sure…)… Karsten was with me…. And we happened upon the subject of my “little manias” that come about a few times a week, and suddenly she was all ears…. She usually IS all ears as is, but I think this surprised her, and it could prove to be a game changer……

The thing is, I get these….. Episodes? I guess you would call them episodes…. I get these episodes, where I get restless, somewhat hyper, seemingly very energetic, I talk really really fast, and very loudly, and my thoughts run wild, and I change the subject every five seconds…. I call them little manias, because I don’t know how else to describe them, or what to call them…..
They usually occur in the afternoon….. They usually come about somewhere between 11 am and 3-4 pm…. And they CAN last for a good long while…. Not days, but hours, maybe…. And they come about a couple of times a week…. I usually am not aware in the beginning myself, but it will occur to me, sometimes, after a while…. And Karsten notices right away, and he tells me, usually when I run too fast for him to follow….. And I try and see if I cannot tone it down a bit, but I usually fail…. I will try and shut up, though…. And it seems to be mostly the talking and the intense energy that he has trouble following….

Now, I get a lot of medication…. It has been more, but over the past couple of months, since April 7th, to be specific, I have decreased the dose of one of my medications…. And I seem to be doing okay ๐Ÿ™‚
The thing is, this antidepressant, of which I am now on max dosage, might be preventing me from having depressed episodes…. So I seem to swing between normal and milder mania….
The next course of action for me, when I get back from Indonesia in August, is to try and cut down the dose of the anti-psychotic I am taking…. Because I am not psychotic, and if I have Borderline Personality Disorder, then there is no reason for me to take anti-psychotics….. If, on the other hand, it turns out that my little manias get worse, or more severe, then it may turn out that I do NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder after all, but Bipolar Disorder, in some form, instead…. In which case the treatment should be different from what the plan is…..

But time will tell, I guess ๐Ÿ™‚ I AM intrigued, to say the least… ๐Ÿ™‚ But this could change everything… ๐Ÿ™‚

Edilene DID tell me this, though: EUP/Borderline and Bipolar are differential diagnoses (sp?), which means that many of the symptoms are the same, and one is often mistaken for the other, both the one way and the other way around… So, maybe….. Just maybe…. All this time, we have had me all wrong… ๐Ÿ™‚ Or, not ALL wrong, but, you know….. ๐Ÿ™‚

That was actually what I wanted to say ๐Ÿ™‚ I am sorry for the, probably fairly lengthy post, but, as you know, it’s been a while ๐Ÿ˜‰ And I really AM sorry for that….. Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn, and you just have to adjust to that new situation as best you can… ๐Ÿ™‚

2013 was both a blessing and a curse for me…. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I am here now…. I AM feeling better/more optimistic…. ๐Ÿ™‚ That has got to count for something, right? ๐Ÿ™‚

It is three in the morning…..some of the birds have woken up, and are happily singing…. ๐Ÿ™‚ I am not sure I CAN go back to sleep, but I should probably try….. If I am unsuccessful, who knows, I might try my hand at this blogging thing again ๐Ÿ˜‰

But for now, my loves, be safe…. And be fantastic! โค

~ Rizz

Being Away….. And Coming Back….

So….. I never did return to talk more about my inner workings, three months ago…. I tried…. Heavens know, I tried, but half the text kept vanishing, upon posting, because I make a lot of smileys using the mathematical symbols for “bigger than” and “smaller than”…. When I finally figured out what kept going wrong, I was so annoyed and, actually rather, infuriated, that I put WordPress away…….. For three months xD

(And just now, I almost made that smiley again, which would probably lose me half my text again, if not more, so, yea…. That happened xD )

What can I tell you about the past three months? ๐Ÿ™‚ I have not been alone, for a long while now… ๐Ÿ™‚ Because three months and change ago, I met someone, whom I have let into my life, and into my heart โค

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He is very sweet, of great support to me, and a nerd โค A gentle polar bear ๐Ÿ™‚ Karsten is his name… ๐Ÿ™‚

Actually, we are visiting Karsten's dad this weekend, in Ilskov, in Vestjylland ๐Ÿ™‚ It is very nice to see them again, VERY nice people, very warm, and welcoming ๐Ÿ™‚

My loves, I am drifting into sleep, so I will leave you for now…. But please, be safe, until next time ๐Ÿ™‚

To selfharm, or not to selfharm…?

So…..

Hello, my name is Clarissa Emiria, and I am a selfharmer… Or self”mutilater”, as it probably more were…..

I pick at my soares… I can’t help it, and I don’t even think about it, I just do it, when I am idling… Especially when I am idling…. But also when I am nervous, f.x….. Or stressed….

I do not know what I want to say about this, on this, or with this, but here I am, trying to tap away, trying to come up with something that will make sense, something to explain….. Well…. Everything…. I want to explain everything, but I do not think I can…. I will try, Gods know I will try….

I do not cut on myself, even if I AM very infatuated with knives and scalpels…. I would never purposefully cut on myself….. But picking at scabs and soars, IS selfharm…. A form of it…. No matter if it IS on purpose or not….

I do not know what to say…. I selfharm…. Sometimes on purpose, most often not…. I may do it to distract myself, I guess? I don’t know, really….. Maybe I am not as comfortable in my own skin as I pretend to be….

I have anxcious evasive personality structure…. Panic is lurking beneath the surface at all times, is my guess….. I am pretty sure…. I don’t know, I am just tired of being told off and punished, for something that I am unaware of doing…… I don’t want to be a part of it any more….. I want to just melt away…… Disappear….. And never ever be found by anyone…… Just melt away into oblivion…. I don’t even think anyone would notice….. Maybe one would notice…..

It is painful to think, and realise, that one is very much alone in this world…… For instance, I have not opened facebook in several days, and not one has said anything about it….. I am considering deactivating my profile, again….. Probably for a longer while than last year ๐Ÿ™‚ Last year only one person noticed, and texted me….. And I don’t even talk with him all that often to begin with, so how did he notice my absence? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Okay, so this is not as lengthy as I had feared….. I didn’t really go anywhere with this post…. As I knew I wouldn’t…. I have no answers….. And no solutions…. Of course I have no solutions, I have no idea what I am actually doing… ๐Ÿ˜ฆ I just wing it…. I am always winging it :-/ I just need a book of answers…. How do I know if I am doing things right? :-/ Who is going to tell me if I am doing things the right way? :-/ Does ANYone have the answers? ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

How am I supposed to do this living thing right? Does anyone know? Who has the answers? :-/

I am as confused and sad as ever….. Tears are streaming down my face, and I am broken…. In so many ways…. I’ll talk more about that shortly….. In another post ๐Ÿ™‚

Be safe, my loves ๐Ÿ™‚
– Clarissa Emiria

The thing about feeling… Or “feeling”, as it probably were….

A new day, a new year….

I have not posted anything for almost a couple of months, because I had a few problems when trying to write the last post, and trying to do the whole photo-thing at the same time, and that was all me not understanding how this thing with the app (last time on my phone, this time on my tablet) and posting in general, works, because I am still very much learning ๐Ÿ™‚ I will get better, though….. I hope xD

Okay, so the thing is….. I suck…. At reading feelings, mostly my own, but also other people’s…. And when I say “reading”, I mostly mean “being able to identify and understand” said feelings…. Usually no matter which ever feelings they are….

I have known, for quite a while now, that I usually don’t “feel” anything for a couple or three days after a given situation/incident, and only just today did it dawn on me, that that is most likely the amount of time it takes for the situation and what has happened to fully sink in, for me to fully comprehend and understand (yaaaay, redundancy ๐Ÿ˜› ), what has happened, what has been said, what has taken place between that other person and myself….

I have a strong tendency to overthink things…. Turn them over, mull them over, again, and again, in my mind, trying to understand, desperate to understand what I probably never actually will understand….

It makes interaction with other people very hard…. Increasingly hard… At least for me….. Will it ever get better? I have my doubts, to be honest….

My mind/brain works better when I have a partner/someone to bounce my thoughts off on, someone who gives me feedback and who wants to, and is able to, talk the things and/or situations over with me… ๐Ÿ™‚ When I don’t have that, I get lost, lost in my thoughts, and I get more and more confused….

I don’t know what the solution is…. I don’t know if I will ever learn to navigate the seas of interaction with confidence…. I am having enough trouble as it is with the language alone xD

I am trying though, every day I am trying and, hopefully, learning and getting better…. Or, at least, not messing up as much as I could be doing xD

My “supervisor” told me something today that really made me think, and which I feel I actually believe; You are you, and that’s okay, I am me and that’s okay too…. We might not always agree on everything or even understand everything about each other, but that is also okay ๐Ÿ™‚
This might be the first pebble for me, the first step on the way to changing my opinion of myself and my worth, in comparison with other people ๐Ÿ™‚ We’ll see what happens ๐Ÿ™‚

And now, off to bed…. I am having my sleep monitored tonight, and I am very tired, it looks like…. ๐Ÿ™‚

Be fantastic my loves โค

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