I haven’t posted anything here in almost two years and I feel awful on the one hand but on the other I pretty much pulled away from the World and people in general completely in the last six months of 2014, because I just did not have the mentally profits to deal with anything or anyone, trying to recover after a hectic vacation in Indonesia in July, and keeping my monthly appointments with my psychiatrist…….
In November 2014 my psychiatrist referred me to a psychotherapeutic clinic in the hopes that they would offer me Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT for short), which I had tried briefly, back in 2009, and loved, but not been able to continue with and finish for several different reasons, and then I have just wanted to “go back” to that, so to speak…..
In the beginning of January 2015 I had two interviews with a psychologist in Nannasgade, where the clinic resides, and she kept telling me that they didn’t offer DBT there….. They only had regular group therapy where you sit in an open circle and talk, no table, no homework, no assignments…. I was getting a bit desperate and told her I didn’t care, I’d give anything a go…… Even if I do have trouble focusing if the World is too big, and in my past experience with regular open circle group therapy, I feel very uncomfortable, I don’t feel like I can just get up and leave but at the same time I very much don’t want to be there so my body “just kinda” shuts itself down….. aka I fall asleep *ducks for cover* 😦
I know, that is proper bad but I can’t really help it…. 😦
In the beginning of 2015 I felt like I was beginning to get my motivation back, I wanted to make a change, feel better, be better, become better…. While I was waiting to hear back from Nannasgade I had started a kind of course, with it’s basis in Recovery, regarding “The Great Relocation” (i.e. when you move, how do you make it go as smoothly as possible, and what tools do you have at your disposal to make that transition both before and after the actual move)…
During that course I heard of the course Turning Points, which is broken into three twelve week Recovery based courses, taught by instructors with user experience (as in, they have or have had experience with mental health issues, extra or heightened sensitivity to stress, or so on, and they have been on the Turning Points courses themselves and taken the course to become an instructor, to help others help themselves), and I signed up for that, both because I wanted to do it but also because I thought that maybe it could keep me going until I heard from Nannasgade, and it turns out that Turning Points and DBT supplement each other really well 😀
After having been on the first two Turning Points courses, last spring and last fall, all the while having also started DBT in May in Nannasgade….. After having observed my two instructors on Turning Points……
For the first time in my life I have dared to dream of something for myself…… And just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes, because I am SO scared……. Scared that if I dare to hope it will never be….. Scared because dreaming of something for myself is dangerous…..Because dreaming of becoming something….. Something that I want to become, instead of what someone else wants for me…… What does that mean? What does that say about how I think of myself?
Sure I want things for myself all the time…. Books, nail polish, make-up stuffs, notebooks, crafting materials, mostly books…… But what I wanted to do with my life, I never really knew…. I never expected to live this long, to be honest….. 😦
But I do dream…. Now…… I didn’t growing up….. Or maybe I did, but I dreamed about the Worlds I read about in the books I devoured, which weren’t real, sadly……
But I am still here, and I have tentatively started to dream a little….. 🙂
I keep stalling and stalling, I started this post the day before yesterday , in the morning, and I wrote most of it then, but right now my words have run dry and I can’t get my brain to work properly, which is really annoying…… the obsessive compulsive in me also really wants to publish this post today, because that will mark a year and nine months to the date since my last post….
There are just so many things that I want to say, I just can’t find the right words right now….
I am starting over…. In more ways than one….. Hopefully you will take this journey with me, my Loves….
Stay strong, and be safe…