Monthly Archives: February 2013

To selfharm, or not to selfharm…?

So…..

Hello, my name is Clarissa Emiria, and I am a selfharmer… Or self”mutilater”, as it probably more were…..

I pick at my soares… I can’t help it, and I don’t even think about it, I just do it, when I am idling… Especially when I am idling…. But also when I am nervous, f.x….. Or stressed….

I do not know what I want to say about this, on this, or with this, but here I am, trying to tap away, trying to come up with something that will make sense, something to explain….. Well…. Everything…. I want to explain everything, but I do not think I can…. I will try, Gods know I will try….

I do not cut on myself, even if I AM very infatuated with knives and scalpels…. I would never purposefully cut on myself….. But picking at scabs and soars, IS selfharm…. A form of it…. No matter if it IS on purpose or not….

I do not know what to say…. I selfharm…. Sometimes on purpose, most often not…. I may do it to distract myself, I guess? I don’t know, really….. Maybe I am not as comfortable in my own skin as I pretend to be….

I have anxcious evasive personality structure…. Panic is lurking beneath the surface at all times, is my guess….. I am pretty sure…. I don’t know, I am just tired of being told off and punished, for something that I am unaware of doing…… I don’t want to be a part of it any more….. I want to just melt away…… Disappear….. And never ever be found by anyone…… Just melt away into oblivion…. I don’t even think anyone would notice….. Maybe one would notice…..

It is painful to think, and realise, that one is very much alone in this world…… For instance, I have not opened facebook in several days, and not one has said anything about it….. I am considering deactivating my profile, again….. Probably for a longer while than last year 🙂 Last year only one person noticed, and texted me….. And I don’t even talk with him all that often to begin with, so how did he notice my absence? 😮

Okay, so this is not as lengthy as I had feared….. I didn’t really go anywhere with this post…. As I knew I wouldn’t…. I have no answers….. And no solutions…. Of course I have no solutions, I have no idea what I am actually doing… 😦 I just wing it…. I am always winging it :-/ I just need a book of answers…. How do I know if I am doing things right? :-/ Who is going to tell me if I am doing things the right way? :-/ Does ANYone have the answers? 😮

How am I supposed to do this living thing right? Does anyone know? Who has the answers? :-/

I am as confused and sad as ever….. Tears are streaming down my face, and I am broken…. In so many ways…. I’ll talk more about that shortly….. In another post 🙂

Be safe, my loves 🙂
– Clarissa Emiria

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